Remembering Dates and Babies Dying
This time of year always brings thoughts of what my daughter would have been like today if she had not been stillborn. We never did find out why it happened as we chose to not have had an autopsy. The thought of someone carving up her tiny body just to speculate the cause of her death was too much to bear. So she was buried in a white Christening dress, but she is never forgotten……
As a Cognitive Psychologist, I have treated literally thousands of people for many different emotional issues. One of the saddest, is treating women who have had abortions. Frequently, sessions go something like this: an initial appointment is made with the reason for seeking treatment being anxiety or depression. Somewhere between the first four and twelve sessions, the woman casually mentions that she “terminated” her pregnancy some time in the past. Frequently, they will speak about it in the euphemisms for abortion that abortion clinics use, to remove any negative connotations associated with their choice. Usually, there is an initial disconnect between the fact she terminated her pregnancy and now has feelings of helplessness, fearfulness, emptiness, guilt, sadness, low self-confidence, low self-esteem and lethargy.
Now admittedly, there are many, many women who have had abortions who never think about that choice they made, and who claim they are more emotionally healthy and stable because of that choice. Will their thoughts and emotions about that ever change? I don’t know. Is this group of women different, are they emotionally more resilient? I don’t know. What I do know is that within the Limbic system, there is a storehouse of powerful emotional memories that fuels our day-to-day functioning, many times on a subconscious level.
Since we are able to create our own realities through our thought processes, cognitive therapy can help to “reconstruct”, on a quantum level, the effects that negative emotional memories may have on our present functioning. Sometimes people need some help in this process in order to deal with uncomfortable memories and to be able to forgive themselves or others. The goal is to be honest with ourselves, accept our vulnerabilities and learn from our experiences, because we are after all, just human.
Human life is special. Every cell within us is programmed to survive until its genetics tells it to self-destruct. When some force interferes with that process enough to cause the death of the entire organism, we grieve that death. So grieving in natural, because death is natural. Unlike crystals that can “grow” without ever developing a personality and are all molecularly the same, each one of us has some special purpose to contribute in a short amount of time. Our choices and experiences shape our lives and the lives of others, for better or for worse. Choosing to remember the painful as well as the pleasant helps to remind us of the inner strength we all possess, and what makes each of us special, no matter how long we get to live. Remembering dates and babies dying: there are millions.
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About Dr. Virginia
As a licensed Psychologist practicing Cognitive therapy, I work with my clients to help them identify the personal issues that are preventing them from achieving a more satisfying and well-adjusted life.
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